Sunday, 16 August 2009

New Illness Baffles Authorities

After a troubling turn of events in Canton, Ohio, on August 9th, authorities have reported the spread of a new epidemic around the country. While there is not yet any kind of cure, medical officials are calling this a fever.

The tentative name for this outbreak is "Football Fever". While all symptoms are not yet known, some include face painting, wigs, and grossly enlarged hands that resemble a massive number "one".

Those inflicted with the illness supposedly insist upon spending Saturday, Sunday, Monday, and once in a while, Thursday, spending as much time in front of the television as they possibly can while watching football in an effort to control their symptoms.

One inflicted victim ("Bob") described the situation to us. While he had spent most of the summer casually watching NASCAR and baseball, he suddenly changed the station to his local FOX channel and before he knew it, he found himself suited up in a football uniform with his face painted.

The victim's neighbors say they saw this coming all year. Everything on his front lawn now resembles footballs, and he even went so far as to tackle a neighbor carrying a sack of potatoes. The entire neighborhood is alarmed.

While many will be concerned with trying to get their fill to feed the fever the CDC reports that within one month there will be football in full swing at every level and those affected by this disease should be able to find comfort. If the fever becomes uncontrollable it has been noted that by joining 100,000 or more at any of the major universities in the country will bring immediate relief.

The Surgeon General went so far as to say that there may be something wrong with you if you DON'T suffer from this disease, as he believes that anyone in mainstream society is much better off with the symptoms.

Well, football is back. It's going to be another crazy year and I can't wait!

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